Just another Saturday.....

Couldn't wait to get home this morning... R is off today :-)
Wish I didn't have to sleep this afternoon to be ready to go to work tonight... I want the whole day with him!
We went out the other day and picked wild Sandhill Plums, and this morning I am going to make jelly. If you have never had Sandhill Plum jelly, you don't know what you are missing!
When we picked them, the day was beautiful, deep blue sky, fluffy clouds, fairly cool day with just a gentle breeze... And us, out in the sandhills, in a pasture, picking plums and laughing and having a great time...
R even likes to help me make jelly... We always have a lot of fun...
~*~*~*~
My Boss doesn't seem to like the idea of R and I staying together. She mentioned today, after me telling her that R was paying to fix my car (he blew the head gasket in it!!) that she thought he was going back to his own house. Then she made a remark about it confusing our kids if we are supposed to be separated and living in the same house together. I thought... You know, it's better for our kids if we are together... Isaiah is 6, what does he know about us being separated? Lauren is 18... She understands the whole thing, although she would rather we get divorced. (she isn't convinced that we will work things out)... Anyway, what business is that of my boss's?? Made me mad, her being upset that we were trying to work things out. She is sort of "anti-men" anyway, she divorced her husband and sent him to prison after he was convicted of molestation (I'm not sure if it was their kids or friends of their kids). ANYWAY... Guess I will just cut out the chit chat with her, and maybe she will back off on my personal life...

Thinking about going to see "The Village" tonight, if my mom can watch Isaiah... Have been waiting for that one to come out... The trailers look great! It's M. Night Shyamalan's newest... Hope we can see it... I don't see many movies in the theater anymore...:-(

R

I am freezing.
It is 64 degrees with humidity at 88% and its downright cold...
I just got back from taking the dog for a walk. (albeit a very short one!) I wore an old pair of jeans, and my biggest, baggiest K-State sweatshirt, which is my favorite shirt (this thing is HUGE!! LOL) but of course, I was only wearing flip-flops... Guess I should have put on some "real" shoes...LOL
Anyway... I don't even want to think about the fact that summer is 2/3 over already... *sigh*
Fresh cup of coffee, and my pink fuzzy slippers (they have yellow duckies on them...LOL) and I am starting to feel much better...

I have been reading my "dailies", no, not the newspaper, my daily Blogs...(listed at right) and I realize that I don't know if I could ever write about our intimate details and not make them sound ridiculous, or pornographic... Or just embarrassing myself...LOL I have never been good about being able to say things out loud... (frustrated Hawke to no end...) I get embarrassed sooo easily... I can watch someone do something stupid on television and it embarrasses me!

R has been away for a couple of days due to work, and I am realizing how much I would miss him if we did get divorced. But, when he is here, there are things he does or says that just makes me cringe... I find myself making excuses for him to my family... (my mother, by the way, has been wanting me to leave him since I married him in 1985!) Does everything boil down to how things go in the bedroom? Is fantastic sex enough to keep us together? I do love him... Is that enough? Respect... That I'm not sure is up to par on either side in this relationship... I think it may be the deciding factor...

R is my best friend... The sex is great... Maybe I should just be satisfied with that, right? I just don't want to be stuck in Hick County forever, and he is the kind of guy that has zero ambition... Oh, he has lots of "One of these days...", and "I wish..." But not good at all at actually making a goal and working toward it... He has never been taught how to do that, he came from a very sad, abusive childhood, and a pretty rough life after that... He got his GED at 15 and went right to work in the oilfield, where he still works today, (after a short bout as a garbage collector). He has come a long way from the rest of his family... I am very proud of him for that... He needs self-confidence... He needs financial planning help... He spends too much on stupid stuff and doesn't have enough to pay the bills...He needs someone to show him how to set and achieve goals...And I am just no good at it, I guess. I try to help him, but he gets defensive, and walks off... That's his coping mechanism for any arguments we get into... Walking off... He says it's because his father was abusive, and he doesn't want to get to the point that his temper takes over... I guess I can see his point, but as a person who loves a good debate, it is very annoying when he just walks out...

My God, I have been rambling. I congratulate any of you that have made it this far without falling asleep or just closing the window...LOL

I'm really sorry... I just get so "swirled up" in all these thoughts, I need some form of release...
with the few people around here that I call friends, conversations are like wading around in the shallow end of the pool... I need diving depth once in awhile!!

After yesterday's post, I started thinking about the "classic rock" music... So I dug some out. My God! That was a whole 'nother planet we lived on then, right? It seems like a lifetime ago...
Steppenwolf, The Doors (In a perfect world, I would be married to a Jim Morrison look-a-like!), Janis Joplin (God I love her still!),Led Zepplin, The Knack, The Sex Pistols, The Guess Who, The Rolling Stones, Deep Purple, Eric Clapton, Three Dog Night,Bad Company (I swear it was a religious experience the first time I heard "Rock & Roll Fantasy!) The Doobie Brothers...
admittedly, I didn't hear any of it until 1979... I was a sweet innocent country girl until I was 12... But I soaked up the entire 70's music scene in that year... I was obsessed...
I don't pull these CD's out much... I listen to more modern things now... But occasionally, I dig them out and relive those innocent days...
Do you ever think that 30 years from now I will be pulling out Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Limp Bizkit...And saying "Man, that seems like a whole 'nother lifetime ago..."??

Hick County

This place is wearing on me like it did growing up here. (check us out: Hick County Homepage )
Everyone in this town works their ass off trying to be just like every one else.
Someone needs to tell them that the world does not end at the county line. We are citizens of the world, not just of Hick County.
Around here, music means classic rock or country. Period. (Nothing wrong with that, I listen to a little of those too...)
I listen to Gothic, punk, alternative, jazz, R&B, soul, classical, techno, industrial, you name it... Anything but polka...LOL I have friends around the world, (online) and from all religions and races. If most of the people here knew I had friends that were Pagan, or wiccan, or heaven forbid Agnostic, I would probably be burned at the stake. I was once called a liberal because I eat tofu.... lol... let alone my political views, which I try never to discuss in a crowd of "these people"...lol I am known as the local she-woman man-hating feminist liberal...Ha!
I get so tired of know-it-alls who never think outside the box... I love art, and poetry, and good literature... I crave intelligent conversation, on literature, philosophy, religion... I want to be able to buy really good clothes without driving 250 miles... (I HATE Wal-Mart!) I long for coffee shops, with real cappuchino, not the powdered kind that sputters out of a machine like bad hot cocoa... A book store with a good selection, a music store that actually has the music I want (Cooper Temple Clause is an unheard of group in this God-forsaken place!!) I want to get my nose pierced without losing my job. (Yes, I was told I can't work where I work with my nose pierced!)
My house is probably the only one for miles that is decorated in modern furniture and artwork... (95% of all homes here are done in "cutsey" country... ) I like a good glass of wine, not a bottle of beer sitting on the tailgate of someone's pick up truck...
All women are expected to be sweet little things, quiet, "respectful"... that isn't me either! I am tough, intelligent, and that scares most rednecks...
What am I still doing here??
I wanted my son to go to a small school.(like this one, where I grew up going) Not one with rampant drugs, and teen pregnancies, and security guards... They bend over backwards for his special needs here...
I suppose this is a small price to pay for my son, but I will be 49 years old when he is 18... Will I be too old to start my *real* life then????

Discipline and Submission

Whew. The gears in my head are smoking. There should be a warning label on This Big Hush: "Do not read while sleep deprived".
The last few entries (Digging Deeper,Self Imposed Discipline and Exile,and Don't leave fingerprints on my soul) have made so many things go off in my head...
Why am I submissive? What does submissive really mean to me? What does discipline mean to me?
Come with me while I try to figure this out...
What does discipline mean to me?
I grew up with my mother making us do the housework so she didn't have to. Rarely does it ever get done in her house now, she's always "too tired", or "just doesn't feel like it". I have grown into this overwhelming abhorance of "undisciplined" people... Discipline means, to me, stretching what you think your limits are to achieve a desired result. That is not an easy thing, for no matter how much it kills me to say it, I did inherit a bit of my mother's laziness... Although I am fighting it constantly. Extremely disciplined people are very attractive to me... Which may lead to my submissiveness. Being submissive, to me, means that I want to submit to someone more disciplined than me, someone that can help me see what needs to be done, hold me accountable. The kinky sex is not what is the most attractive in the D/s life, to me, its the serving. The sitting at a Dom's feet and learning. Having someone that can help me achieve a higher level, not be doing it for me, but by pushing me to help myself.
This is one of my biggest worries about R. He is VERY undisciplined. If he doesn't feel like doing something, he doesn't. He can't see ahead and do things that need to be done. That is one reason he is living with me, he can't even pay his bills, the one thing I hear him say more than anything is "When I get a round to it". (I actually cut out two big cardboard circles once, and wrote on them "Round Tuit". Told him he now had two "round to its" and he could get things done! Didn't help.)
I can't submit to someone that has less discipline than I do!
The BDSM is a little harder to define. Pain seems to take me to a complete different level of consciousness. A whole different place, even, but it also puts me in a place where everything about that moment is so focused. Every second I feel everything individually, its like meditation... exactly like meditation! Gives me such focus, it's like super senses. Cuts through the cobwebs in my head... makes the discipline easier to focus on.
Make any sense at all??? lol

I need a sugar daddy....

I really hate this job...lol
I went to work at midnight, supposedly to get off work at 8 am... the next girl's mother called in for her, refusing to let her come to work sick even thought the manager told her she would have to work it since there was no one to cover for her... and I ended up staying until noon! During the day I really hate that store... there is non-stop people... crowds make me claustrophobic!!
This was to have been my day off... oh well...
I go to work at 5:30 am tomorrow, and *that girl* is supposed to be there... she's gonna be sick by the time I'm out of there...lol...

Silent Hawke

I still haven't heard from Hawke...
Every time my life gets overwhelming (at least once a week!) All I want to do is feel his arms around me... hear his voice... that total comfort, and safety I always felt with him... I dream of him often, and wake up feeling such a loss, like a hole in my chest...
I feel like I'm camping in the middle of the freeway these days... my life has no point of refuge, no safe-zone... no anchor...
Will I ever get over this? He is the one that gave me the tools to uncover my own submission...There is no closure without words... or is it even closed? Will he (as in the past) instant message me one of these days saying "Hello babygirl", asking me to come to the farm, and we pick up as if there was no time missing... as we always have before...
I know I have to tell him no... I know I can't let him keep doing this, but that will be harder than not hearing from him at all...

Feathers

I have someone this morning trying to "analyze" why I get so much pleasure out of finding feathers.
They just feel like a message to me. I'm not sure who from, but almost every time I go outside I find a feather, and it's like a little whisper from someone that they are watching out for me. My Grandma was my favorite person in the whole world, and she and I both loved the mourning doves. Most of my feathers seem to be from the doves, so I can almost believe that they are sent from my Grandma.

My children both have seen me pick up so many feathers that they bring me feathers now, too. Just a few days ago, my 18 year old daughter, Lauren, brought be a beautiful Oriole feather... Yellow, and black. My 6 year old son, Isaiah, brings me mussed up feathers several times a week... He comes running in, excited to have found mom a new feather...LOL...

The person this morning said I was grasping at straws... That I was insecure and needed to "use" the feather "thing" as a crutch...
It always amazes me that someone who I do not know, who has been talking to be for mere seconds, can be so full of hate... What has gone on in this person's life that he can be so mean to people he doesn't even know? What's it to him if it were a crutch???

Ah, well... That's life. One more person on my Yahoo Iggy list...LOL

Interesting question for you....

R is very interested in learning the D/s lifestyle... as a Dom. Do you think its possible to "learn" to be a Dom? I really see traces of it in him... he just hasn't felt confident enough to let it out yet. I do think he could be a very good one... he lacks the confidence, (not to mention the self-discipline) and I think that learning more about it would give him that confidence... I have suggested some online reading, including all the blogs I read daily (listed on my sidebar!) Especially The Maelstrom , and Love and other catastrophes ,   and he has done some reading at websites like castlerealm.com . Any more suggestions? I just wish we knew someone he could talk to one on one...
I also told him that he would have to learn to discipline his own life well before he got too serious in being a Dom...

Change is in the air.....

Several things going on right now...
I applied for a new job. Assisted Living Aide at an area-wide mental health center. All it is is shift work staying with the assisted living people. I don't know what it's going to be like, but I do think I can handle it. And I really really hope I get it... Better pay,good benefits... And getting away from the impossible situation with my current manager!
The other thing happening, is that my ex and I seem to be getting along VERY well...
I do have to confess here, he and I aren't actually divorced... We have been legally separated for over 5 years... Neither of us could come up with the money for a divorce... (I know, I know... I can hear the thoughts in your head!) But anyway... He is really bad at being responsible with money, and at getting things fixed when they need to be fixed, and his way of living is WAAAYY different than mine... I am not sure that we could continue living together forever, but I'm not sure that we are going to get that divorce right away... Although I will soon have the money saved. He has been helping with things around the house, and bills, and it is nice to again have someone coming home to talk to in the evenings...  although we both want such different things, and he will be moving out eventually, we worked out a plan for him to stay here and get rid of the house he has been renting in the town where he works, to combine paychecks long enough to get all the bills we both have paid down... And long enough for him to fix up the rental trailer house (!!!) that we own so that he can live there... God, a trailer house! That should prove that we have different living styles!!  LOL...He doesn't mind pop bottles and dirty dishes sitting around... And boxes and boxes of *stuff* every where... His idea of doing the dishes is washing whatever you need to cook a meal and not washing them again until the next time you need them....(same with clothes!)  LOL I'm the one that wants the house decorated in modern furnishings with lots of empty space that looks like no one lives here...LOL
Anyway... I am looking forward to the day I can tell my current boss that I am giving her my notice... Felt like doing it today, even though I don't have another job yet... I hate going in to work anymore... And I feel so hopeless about her ruining my reputation as a good worker by saying that I'm not getting everything done...
Seems I'm rambling again... does any of this sound reasonable? I think it feels like I'm heading down the right road... maybe I'm the crazy one....lol

July in Kansas

Wow... it's only 99 degrees right now... and the humidity is down to only 19%... thats amazing...lol... forecast for tomorrow is 101..... *sigh*
My 6 year old son is in the front yard, playing in the water sprinkler... wish I could join him!  lol
 

Help!! Any suggestions??

I have this huge problem that is stressing me out to the point of constantly having headaches, and stomach aches... The "acting" manager where I work for some reason has it in for me. My shift is the one where all the cleaning and stocking work is done. In fact, there are people during the day who she requires to do  nothing more than running the register (and who, I might add, receive the same pay as I do) My shift is 8 hours long, but she requires all my work to be done in 4. Taking apart all the machines and cleaning them, sweeping the lot, cleaning all outside displays, even cleaning the payphones every night...doing all the inside cleaning, and much more... Plus running the register.... In 4 hours. If you just saw all the work I am required to do, you would understand. Then, when I have done it all to the best of my ability, and worn myself out, she comes in a starts complaining that I haven't done it!!! There are a couple of people I work with that can't understand why she has it out for me. I can't understand it either. Nothing I do seems to appease her. She took the weekend off, and another woman from  a different store came to do the books and stuff for her... She did the "managers store inspection" in the mornings, and told me what a good job I had done... And I did nothing different from the nights when the "acting" manager comes in... I don't get it!! I don't know how to deal with this, there is no reasoning with her. I am a single mom, and this is one of the best paying jobs in this tiny Hick County town, so I can't exactly quit... Plus the benefits are great... I'm just getting so stressed out that it is affecting me at home too, not just when I am working... I have had someone suggest wearing an amulet to work to ward off personal attacks.... Someone else suggested prayer.... I just don't know how to handle this... I can't go over her head, because the "big wigs" almost always side with the manager. The lady that came this weekend to replace her told me that the company is not happy with her performance... Maybe the best I can hope for is that they will move her into a different store, so she will leave me alone... I am working my a** off all night long, and all I get for it is raked over the coals... There is nothing I can do to work harder... I have even been taking caffeine pills to make me go faster... And she still isn't happy....  

Woman overboard

Why can't I just learn to say no!?
Last night at work, a guy came in I hadn't seen in a while. We... Well, for lack of a better term, were "fuck buddies" when I was in high school. He was with another woman, but while she was busy at the counter, he came back and talked to me...Flirting, hinting at things that we had done "back then", and asked for my phone number and email... And I gave it to him!
I know for a fact that he is not interested in what I am looking for... I want a real relationship, I want someone that respects me, cares about me. He just wants someone to "play" with... I KNOW THAT, so WHY did I not just say no??!?
When I married my husband, I loved him. But I also had, in the back of my mind, the thought that no one else would ever ask me to marry him, so I'd better say yes. That recording seems to be still playing in my head, as if I should feel grateful to any man who shows the least bit of attention to me. I know that is what I am doing, yet when the man is standing there I don't think about it... I don't say no... I simply grab onto the attention like a woman overboard grabbing a flotation device.  I get so mad at myself sometimes... I seem to be scared to say no...
It's the same thing with the man I mentioned in an earlier post, Stuart. All he is looking for is a good time... But I tell him, oh yeah, I'll call.... Instead of just telling him that want different things, and a "roll in the hay" is not what I want...
Someday, somehow, this has got to change... But IM not sure how to get there...

Rain(!) and new relationships....

It's raining! How wonderful... You should smell this breeze coming in off the front porch... And hear the mourning doves.... Its a beautiful morning...
I have 5 nights down, only two more to go before a night off from work... I am exhausted, but if I can just make it two more nights....LOL....
I have been thinking about taking a second job... But I don't know how I would ever hold up with even less sleep.... Ah well, such is life....
~*~*~*~
When you meet someone online, you get to know them totally on the merit of their personality... And a lot of times you don't know what they look like, so you can't "prejudge" them... I just finally got a picture of someone I have been talking to for a little while, and I was amazed... He doesn't look anything like I pictured... He does look very nice, though... And I already was coming to that conclusion....LOL... But not the sort of man I would have thought that I would have had much in common with.... its funny how personalities don't always fit people's looks...Although my friend, who can "see" things (sort of psychic if you will...)  has told me that she sees me with an older "suit" guy... Which fits this man's description....Hmmmm...
I don't have a pic online (yet) but I will soon... But I won't put it where just anyone can see it just because I want people to get to know me through my personality that shows in my words... And by learning about my life... Before they see my face... I actually don't have much in the way of "confidence" in my looks... Although I have had men tell me I am beautiful (and  a few women also) I don't think so... But I am confident in my personality and intelligence... Is that arrogance? Or is arrogance just being over-confident based on your own looks?
I had thought that I wanted a new relationship, but then why does the thought of a new relationship scare the hell out of me, make me want to run and hide??? Seems the only one I can't quite figure out is myself....LOL

More "Things"

I noticed I never finished my "100 things..."
Decided to bore you with a few more...lol
46.) I hope to be able to travel someday... the first destinations on my list are London and New Orleans.
47.) I had the highest SAT score in my graduating class... all 27 of us....lol
48.) I tend to be borderline claustrophobic and just a tiny bit scared of heights.
49.) I was arrested once. (Took 10 minutes for the officer to take my picture because I was laughing so hard.) It was only for a worthless check... my then hubby had taken my checkbook and wrote some checks, and of course it was MY check that bounced! I called the police at midnight about a peeping tom, and the new-hire officer recognized my name as having a warrant out on me... the older officers were all my friends and didn't want to arrest me...lol So, at midnight on the due date of my second child, 9 months pregnant, I was arrested and "booked"... I thought the whole episode was rather hilarious, myself...I paid my fine and didn't have to spend the night in jail (thank God...lol)
50.) I made chicken quesadillas for supper last night...lol...with homemade pico de guillo(sp?) ok...so I couldn't think of anything else to say...lol Wow... I bore even myself...lol

Baked Hawke anyone?

Wow... a cool front came through... its only 93 degrees today...with 36% humidity... but its back up to 98 tomorrow...
I hate the winter. Icy sidewalks, and streets... shoveling snow, aching all over from the cold... anything under 75 degrees is too cold for me...
I used to love the heat... as long as I could get out of it once in a while, 100 degree days (which we see a lot of here) didn't bother me. But now, I sleep days, in the hottest part of the day, and my air conditioning broke down...ugghh!
I still don't like the cold, but I am not such a fan of this kind of heat either... give me a nice 80 degree day with little humidity and a nice breeze...

Play along

I stole this from mlb this morning...Thank you ;-)
20 Questions to a Better Personality




Wackiness: 56/100
Rationality: 40/100
Constructiveness: 60/100
Leadership: 100/100


You are a WECL--Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a people's advocate. You are passionate about your causes, with a good heart and good endeavors. Your personal fire is contagious, and others wish they could be as dedicated to their beliefs as you are.

Your dedication may cause you to miss the boat on life's more slight and trivial activities. You will feel no loss when skipping some inane mixer, but it can be frustrating to others to whom such things are important. While you find it difficult to see other points of view, it may be useful to act as if you do, and play along once in a while.

In any event, you have buckets of charisma and a natural skill for making people open up. Your greatest asset is an ability to make progress while keeping the peace.

~~~~~~

Is missing the boat on trivial activities supposed to be a bad thing?? I have never understood things that no one likes to go to, but everyone seems "obligated" to attend... And, to the confusion of my completely "proper" family, I usually don't go, and don't care...
My mother and sister have always been "those people" who are perpetually concerned with "what other people think"...This town is composed of people who work like hell to be just like everyone else. I, on the other hand, have always done things my way, very often just for the "shock value" in this tiny little Hick County town...
Play along... Those words are just not in my vocabulary... I realize that life might be easier if you play along, but the way I see it, it is better to be liked (or even hated?) for what you are, than loved for what you are not...

The Real Life Store

Other people's blogs are so personal... it almost feels like watching their lives through the blinds, from the back yard in the dark...
Makes me realize that I have no life... someone peeping into my windows would be still asleep in the yard when the sun came up...lol
Where is the store where I can buy a real life?? Does anyone know?? I don't think my local mall has that store...(of course the nearest real mall to my house is 100 miles away)
Well, my 18 year old daughter bought me a gift... the first season of "Sex and the City" on DVD... her way of buying her Mom a life... if only a vicarious one....

Back by popular demand...:-)

The "fruit loop" brothers came in again today...Why is it that men automatically think that a single woman is always looking for a man... And a woman that has been single for awhile is looking for a "mercy Fuck"???
And, while I'm on this subject, why is it the low life sleazes that always think they are god's gift to women... One of these guys actually has a mullet hairstyle... omg... the other one has long greasy hair, and wears his ball cap backwards...
After the intelligence of Hawk, these guys are sooo lame...are there no other intelligent men in Kansas...?? I don't even have any single friends to hang out with...
I never realized what a bummer it was for a single person in a world of couples...there was a rodeo this weekend... I know, a rodeo, but there was a dance... and I didn't go, just because I STILL can't get myself to walk into a dance, or even a club, alone. Maybe I'm the lame one...lol

Hiatus

I have decided that I really have no reason to keep up this blog... I am a submissive, but I am not in a relationship, so what could I possibly have to write about that would interest anyone loking for sub's blogs?
What is there that designates me as a sub when I am not in a relationship? I am decidedly NOT submissive in my public life... quite the contrary... I am very in control, agressive. So, theoretically, as a sub, a D/s relationship is the only thing that validates me as a sub. There is nothing else, so nothing to talk about that is of any relevance at all.
I would ask for comments on this, but Im not sure anyone is really reading this...

...Sweet confinement of your aloneness...

"When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
Where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn.

Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

from "Sweet Darkness" by David Whyte

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"If you want inner peace.
find it in solitude"
Stewart L. Udall

Not being in a relationship has left me being able to concentrate on little things in my life, like: finishing the remodeling of my house, working in my garden, and trying to cope with the building stress at work... not to mention a new story that started itself in my mind and kept me awake for hours the other day...
A bit of concentrating on me is a good thing right now, I think...

interesting....

Took this test:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Got this result:
http://typelogic.com/infj.html
It describes me to a T... that is kind of scary....lol But it really does sound just like me... hmm...

Could I get any more pissed...

The laziest girl at work, Alicia, usually follows me, after I work my a** off all night, she comes in and doesn't have to do anything.
The other day a surprise inspector came in at the beginning of her shift, saw how nice to place looked, how well stocked, and shiny... and awarded her a 100% on her inspection, including a $100 bonus... none of what the store looked like was because of Alicia, it was because I kicked a** all night on it... and if the inspector would have came when Alicia had been on duty for a few more hours, he would have seen complete chaos... I have never seen a more hopeless girl... of course, all she thinks about are all her "fuck-buddies" (her word, not mine...)that hang out in the store...
I am sooo glad I believe in Karma, or I would have REALLY got mad...
***what comes around, goes around***
**deep breaths**
Of course, me and the guy who work my nights off can't get away with leaving the store trashed, because the manager comes in three hours before our shift ends... and if everything isn't perfect, we get wrote up... grrr...
**deep breaths**
I just get too focused on my job, I guess... all I have is that and my kids, and I tend to get tunnel vision sometimes...
enough whining...sorry....lol

Interesting quote...

From childhood's hour I have not been as others were; I have not seen as others saw; I could not bring my passions from a common spring. From the same source I have not taken my sorrow; I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone; and all I loved, I loved alone.
Edgar Allan Poe
somehow, I think E.A.P. knew me...

Looking through my old journals....

I found my old journals the other day, and came across this interesting entry:

"I can turn, and look at him, but it does me no good.
He sits in a chair, his head and shoulders in shadow, i cannot see his face. I see his arms, elbows on the arms of the chair, and his hands in front of him, fingertips touching. The hands I love.
He is silent, watching.
I hear the ticking of the clock on the dresser, and nothing more. I wonder how long I have been strapped to this bed, have I slept? I do not remember. What is going to happen? what comes next? Anticipation keeps a constant vigil, lightly tapdancing on my nerves. He knows this, and expected this, and I hate to let him see this. But he knows."
I remember writing that, I remember the experience that lead me to writing that... I miss that!!!

LORD WINTERHAWK

LORD WINTERHAWK

All of my beliefs were poured,
sparkling with my blood and tears,
into a silver chalice,
offered to you as a sacrifice,
an offering of hope
that you would allow me
to stay with you,
no matter what eternity
I was risking...
With a slow smile,
you poured it, steaming,
onto the cold, stone floor,
and with a swirl
of your cape, you were gone,
deep, icy laughter
ringing in the halls.

amethyst hawke

Someone else's life

Have you ever wished you could just walk out of your life and fade away?
Maybe your life is more good than bad. I can't actually say my life is "bad", it just doesn't seem to me mine.
Simply living the life you are in doesn't make it yours. You have to have some say in it... it has to fit your personality, your needs. Mine doesn't, simply put.
I have a lot of interests, none of which do I have time to pursue, or, quite frankly, the energy. I am a night person, working at night suits me, but the job I have is so physically exhausting, all I want to do in my off-time is sleep, or do the basic housekeeping, laundry, and cooking.
If it weren't for my kids, or at least my 6 year old, I would be off finding a new life... But this life, however boring and monotonous for me, is a "stable environment in which to raise a child". (I sound like my mother, OMG) He has some minor learning disabilities, and the school here is amazingly wonderful at working one on one with him, developing a whole program just for him, re-arranging schedules, and breaking rules. They are wonderful. I really would hate to take him away from this now.
I am not sure exactly what I would be doing otherwise. I want to get back into painting, and I REALLY want to get serious about my writing again, (with some recent encouragement, I am doing just that...Thanks rg) but there are things I want to experience.
I have never lived in a town bigger than 6,000 people.
I have never really lived on my own. (I moved from my mom's house to my husband's house at 18, then when we separated I always had the kids with me, and more often than not, R was sleeping on my couch)
I have never eaten in a restaurant alone.
I have never traveled alone. (other than a 350 mile trip to my best friend's house, but that is still in Kansas!)
Only once have I stayed in a motel alone, and that was in Oklahoma City for business meetings, with my traveling companions in the rooms beside mine.
I have never flown in a plane.
I have never been in a "real" club, just a tiny one in Wichita KS, where there were shootings and knife fights outside in the streets and we had to wade through rioting and officers galore to get back to the car... Tell me nights out aren't always like that!?! I have only been to one New Year's Eve party in my life. (that was at my good friend and editor's house for his birthday, he was born Dec. 31.)
I have never seen the ocean.
I have never seen the desert.
I have lived such a sheltered life... And always been treated like a child by my family...
I want my OWN life... Maybe, when my son graduates high school in 13 years, I MIGHT be able to start my life then....

Strange relationship....

I have an interesting relationship with my ex. Technically, we are not divorced, we have been legally separated for 5 years. During the winter, he didn't get his utilities paid, and had them shut off. I felt sorry for him, and invited him to sleep on my couch. You have to realize that R and I are very good friends. We get along famously, as long as we are not living together. We have done all right this time, as long as he knows this is my house, I make the rules.
Hawk used to tease me about having my own sub, and I just blew that off, but recently...
Recently I have been trying little things that use that idea, and they work very well. R and I have renewed our sexual relationship, sporadically, and he seems to respond well to me "giving the orders". Although I am still at the receiving end of the paddle and crop, I tell him what to do... It is a very strange relationship, but it seems to work... In the bedroom, at least. I can't seem to rationalize the way he lives otherwise... My house has been packed full of his "junk". He is a pack rat, and is totally comfortable living in a dump... It is a constant fight for me to keep his "dump" from taking over my home... I like open spaces, and a "not really lived in" look... Its a major contention between us...He only shaves once a week, rarely gets a hair cut, doesn't care what his clothes look like... We are just so different, we can not live together, but the sex has always been good...LOL...
He has just in the last two weeks been working at a new job that pays much better than his last one, and is soon to be moving back into his rental house. He has asked me if our sexual relationship will continue, and even though I am not sure its a good idea, its just so damn convenient...
So maybe it will, maybe it won't.... Maybe I should just keep this up and not look for someone that fits my needs any better... Maybe IM being unrealistic in thinking I can find someone better... I really don't know...*sigh*...

Interesting poem...

Communion

I kneel before you
offer up full lips to receive you
against my tongue --
a sacred
blessed
rhythm --
as I invoke you
to anoint me
by Gwendolyn Joyce Mintz
(06/16/04)
found at cleansheets.com

Remembering the old ways....

You know, finding someone to share time with is hard enough in the vanilla world... how does one ever go about finding someone in the D/s world?? The last time I was just lucky... I sort of "fell into it"... I'm not sure that I can count on that happening again...
I know, people tell be to try Alt.com... frankly, I have only found men there who are kinky, and want to spank someone... no true Doms... being a Dom ins't just something you play at, or decide you'd like to try, true Dom's are born that way... and there is more responsibility and honor and respect required of a true Dom than most men realize... this is not something I want to "play" at, I want r/l... I want a man who has been in long enough to remember the "old ways", the formal ways... *sigh*... Hawke is going to be harder to get over than anyone in my past, I'm afraid...

Native American 10 Commandments

Native American
10 Commandments

The Earth is our Mother,
care for her

Honor all your relations

Open your heart and soul to the
Great Spirit

All life is sacred; treat
all things with respect

Take from the Earth what is
needed and nothing more

Do what needs to be done for
the good of all

Give constant thanks to the
Great Spirit for each new day

Speak the truth; but only of
the good in others

Follow the rhythms of nature;
rise and retire with the sun

Enjoy life's journey, but
leave no tracks

Question Everything...

There seems to be a lot of "blog talk" these days about religion...
I really do believe in God, and that Jesus is the son of God, and he died for my sins.... BUT...
Modern Christian religion does nothing but make me feel guilty for who I am. Everything I enjoy is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. I am supposed to change who I am for religion? Why can't God love me where I am, who I am...? I also believe in the power of gemstones, herbs, and meditation, and I believe that the Buddhist religion, what I know of it, makes a lot of sense, as do the Native American spiritual ideas...
That is the main reason I do not go to church. There are a lot of things that I do that are worship to me, things taken from other religions... and that, of course, would be wrong also... *sigh*... I can't seem to take things for face value... I question everything...
Soo... I have come to the conclusion that I have to be me, I have to worship in the way that feels right to me, and God, if I'm wrong, will forgive me... he knows me heart, and that I am doing what I feel in my spirit is best... it's just the "religious" christian people who won't understand... and who are they to me, anyway?/span>

Favorite poem...

This poem, I'm sure most of you have read, is one of my favorites... it's wisdom has helped me keep things in perspective since the first time I read it...

AFTER AWHILE
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn.....
Veronica Shoffstall

Einstein...

Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his
whole strength and soul can be a true master.
For this reason mastry demands all of a person
~ Albert Einstein ~

Maybe Hawke should see that one, eh?

digging out

A beautiful rain is falling...
~*~Spirit of the rain, wash away the negativity that has invaded my inner life, bring a new healing comfort and guide, and a strength to stand up for and be true to myself.~*~

The hardest part will be saying no to him when he does call... when every fiber of my being wants to say yes... 3 years is a long time to dig yourself into a self-destructive rut, and it will take time to dig myself out....

Is this the end??

I have decided not to go chasing after Hawk...
If he wanted me, he would have contacted me, right? He knows where I am... and my number has shown up enough times on his caller ID that he knows I was trying to get a hold of him... what do you think, am I right?? Is he just using me?? Am I better off alone??(because that's what I will be without him... there are no prospects within 50 miles of Hick County Ks)....*sigh*...and I am NOT lonely enough to try out the Fruit Loops...lol
I have spent three years of my life trying to get Hawk to NEED me... isn't happening, is it...?